1
00:00:21,650 --> 00:00:29,119
Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed

2
00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:32,519
it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we had hoped to introduce you

3
00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:36,699
West Indies in her knitted bikini, but
just before the show, someone pulled a

4
00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:39,290
loose thread and unravelled the Bermuda
Triangle.

5
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:45,619
But we'll be meeting an hydraulics
specialist who fell into an

6
00:00:45,620 --> 00:00:49,660
electroplating tank full of chrome today
and got his pumper nickelled.

7
00:00:52,769 --> 00:00:56,689
And I'm sorry to say that Flexo, the
nude contortionist, can't be with us

8
00:00:56,690 --> 00:01:00,600
either. At rehearsals today, he took a
step backwards and stood on his dignity.

9
00:01:02,030 --> 00:01:07,089
And at Kilmarnock today, a man who had
bought two packets of woodbines appeared

10
00:01:07,090 --> 00:01:10,040
before the procurator fiscal, charged
with panic buying.

11
00:01:14,010 --> 00:01:17,650
Turville Dinge, the celebrated goldfish
fancier, died last night.

12
00:01:17,651 --> 00:01:21,449
This morning, a few friends attended a
private ceremony and sang sea shanties,

13
00:01:21,450 --> 00:01:23,860
after which they flushed him down the
lavatory.

14
00:01:25,630 --> 00:01:31,410
Traffic warden Dymphna McCorkadale had
her hat run over by a steamroller today.

15
00:01:31,670 --> 00:01:35,669
She tried booking the driver for
speeding, but was told that the roller

16
00:01:35,670 --> 00:01:39,340
went at eight miles an hour, so she
booked him for having three bald tyres.

17
00:01:39,341 --> 00:01:46,779
Dublin police today raided the studio of
Ireland's most brilliant art forger and

18
00:01:46,780 --> 00:01:49,800
took away 33 canvases, all signed by
Pisarco.

19
00:01:56,420 --> 00:02:03,419
Finally... Finally, the National Health

20
00:02:03,420 --> 00:02:07,699
Service's money -saving scheme for
Harley Street starts tomorrow. There

21
00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:09,990
only be one stethoscope for the whole
street.

22
00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:12,240
but all doctors will have a party line.

23
00:02:12,241 --> 00:02:17,139
But now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett, who used to be a model husband,

24
00:02:17,140 --> 00:02:19,000
but recently took up with a Cindy doll.

25
00:02:22,231 --> 00:02:26,319
Thank you, thank you, sir. Thank you,
madam.

26
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:27,199
Thank you.

27
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:28,340
Now, sir, good evening.

28
00:02:28,341 --> 00:02:29,239
Good evening.

29
00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,119
What would you like to start with, sir?

30
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:34,740
Um, I'm going to have my shoes repaired,
if that's possible, isn't it?

31
00:02:35,740 --> 00:02:37,060
Cindy doll, come on.

32
00:02:37,390 --> 00:02:38,440
along the side.

33
00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:42,909
Yes, I see, sir, yes. Sold and healed,
would that be, sir? Yes, that would be

34
00:02:42,910 --> 00:02:45,889
nice. How would you like them, sir?
Leather or rubber or composite? What

35
00:02:45,890 --> 00:02:46,469
you like?

36
00:02:46,470 --> 00:02:50,709
I think I'll have, I think I'll have
leather. Yes, the leather is very good

37
00:02:50,710 --> 00:02:51,760
today, sir, yes.

38
00:02:51,761 --> 00:02:55,509
What would you like to follow? Would you
like a nice pair of pyjamas? You see,

39
00:02:55,510 --> 00:02:57,729
we have a nice polka dot, we have the
stripes.

40
00:02:57,730 --> 00:02:59,910
No, I'd rather go off pyjamas.

41
00:03:00,130 --> 00:03:03,870
I mean, they like, you know, I like
them, but they don't like me. Yes, I do.

42
00:03:06,670 --> 00:03:10,160
Why don't you try the sauna bath, sir?
Sauna and massage we have there.

43
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,600
Or a little three -card brag, you see,
over here.

44
00:03:12,601 --> 00:03:15,909
We've got the car wash and oil change
over there. Frontal lobotomy, they're

45
00:03:15,910 --> 00:03:16,960
good today.

46
00:03:16,961 --> 00:03:21,369
I'm going to be terribly awkward and
have something that's not on the menu

47
00:03:21,370 --> 00:03:23,840
day. Do you think you could rustle me up
a haircut?

48
00:03:23,990 --> 00:03:25,040
Certainly, sir, yes.

49
00:03:25,041 --> 00:03:28,269
Do you want a nice haircut? Take 20
minutes, of course, is that all right?

50
00:03:28,270 --> 00:03:30,709
That's all right, I don't mind. Yes, how
would you like it done, sir?

51
00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:33,170
I think I'll have it sort of medium.

52
00:03:33,370 --> 00:03:34,690
Medium haircut, very good.

53
00:03:34,691 --> 00:03:37,859
A bit of Tchaikovsky, perhaps, would be
nice.

54
00:03:37,860 --> 00:03:40,870
Or tango lessons, a bit of flower
arrangement, that's nice.

55
00:03:40,940 --> 00:03:43,830
Origami, what about that? That's in
season at the moment.

56
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:48,579
I'm just going to have... I'll just have
a round of golf, I think. A round of

57
00:03:48,580 --> 00:03:49,630
golf.

58
00:03:50,620 --> 00:03:54,819
Can you give me a few sort of farmyard
impressions on the side? Yes, I'll bring

59
00:03:54,820 --> 00:03:56,080
you a selection, sir, yes.

60
00:03:58,340 --> 00:03:59,700
What about dessert, sir?

61
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,900
Ah, pudding, pudding. Let me see.

62
00:04:03,339 --> 00:04:07,099
I had the hang gliding the last time,
didn't I? Yes, I think you had it the

63
00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:10,359
before yesterday, if my memory serves me
incorrectly, sir. Yes, very nice.

64
00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:11,800
Rather sickly, but very nice.

65
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:15,100
No, I'm going to have a small blonde.

66
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:16,410
Yes, a small blonde.

67
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:21,439
Well, not necessarily blonde, but sort
of 38, 24, 36 type. Yes, certainly. I've

68
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:24,099
just seen a couple in the kitchen, so
they're fresh as a daisy. They came up

69
00:04:24,100 --> 00:04:26,570
from the coast this morning. I'll pick
you one out.

70
00:04:27,180 --> 00:04:29,540
So thank you very much. Thank you very
much.

71
00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:33,000
I say, waiter, is there any chance of a
bite to eat?

72
00:04:33,001 --> 00:04:36,299
Oh, well, you've picked an awkward time,
lunchtime. The chef's awfully busy, so

73
00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:39,490
I'll see if I can get you a cheese
sandwich, something like that.

74
00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:48,550
Good evening.

75
00:04:48,551 --> 00:04:52,239
When they came to me and asked me to say
some kind words about British Rail,

76
00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:54,640
frankly, I told B .R. to be off.

77
00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:57,840
Then they offered me a thousand quid.

78
00:04:57,930 --> 00:04:59,730
I said, I'm not a man who can be bought.

79
00:05:00,070 --> 00:05:01,650
Then they offered me 2 ,000 quid.

80
00:05:02,110 --> 00:05:03,160
Good evening.

81
00:05:05,250 --> 00:05:07,390
British Rail is a wonderful institution.

82
00:05:07,910 --> 00:05:11,969
But we do have our problems. Now, one of
them is passengers. Did you know that

83
00:05:11,970 --> 00:05:18,789
every second, 17 men, 13 and a half
women, and a brown paper parcel get

84
00:05:18,790 --> 00:05:19,840
onto a train?

85
00:05:20,750 --> 00:05:23,110
And that 17 men and 13 women get off?

86
00:05:23,111 --> 00:05:25,249
Though not necessarily with each other.

87
00:05:25,250 --> 00:05:28,140
Which only leaves half a woman and a
brown paper passport.

88
00:05:28,650 --> 00:05:31,120
And that's no good to anyone, is it, to
be honest?

89
00:05:31,190 --> 00:05:32,390
Oh, I don't know, though.

90
00:05:32,391 --> 00:05:38,809
Another problem is the weather. Now, due
entirely to unforeseen circumstances,

91
00:05:38,810 --> 00:05:42,749
winter has arrived this year. Yes, we've
got more frozen points than atop this

92
00:05:42,750 --> 00:05:43,800
bar at the North Pole.

93
00:05:44,710 --> 00:05:50,569
This map here shows the lines that are
affected by engineering works over this

94
00:05:50,570 --> 00:05:54,419
weekend. So if you're trying to go
anywhere from anywhere, you'll just have

95
00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:55,500
go via somewhere else.

96
00:05:55,501 --> 00:05:59,859
And believe it or not, some people even
complain about British Rail food, saying

97
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:03,619
it's not absolutely tip -top value.
Well, I mean, look at this. That's a

98
00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:05,040
rubbish. Look at this.

99
00:06:05,041 --> 00:06:10,119
Look at this cup of tea. I mean, have we
doubled the price? Certainly we have

100
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,080
not. Mind you, we have halved the cup.

101
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,280
Now, look at this pie.

102
00:06:15,660 --> 00:06:19,660
I've had a letter. I'll read you a
letter that I've had concerning this

103
00:06:19,661 --> 00:06:24,519
Dear sir, all the way up to Glasgow, all
they had in the buffet was a plastic

104
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,560
knife and one individual beetroot pie.

105
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:28,460
I couldn't even cut it.

106
00:06:28,461 --> 00:06:31,019
Yours, Arthur Fingis. Now, that's
ridiculous.

107
00:06:31,020 --> 00:06:32,070
Nonsense.

108
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:35,580
Nonsense. Look, I mean, here is the
knife, and here is the pie.

109
00:06:35,940 --> 00:06:36,990
I mean, look at that.

110
00:06:45,301 --> 00:06:52,169
straight into our new British Rail
suggestion box, which is, of course,

111
00:06:52,170 --> 00:06:53,250
automatic. There it is.

112
00:06:57,710 --> 00:07:01,789
Now, since we've installed our new
streamlined ticket windows, many

113
00:07:01,790 --> 00:07:05,049
travellers have complained that they
don't like queuing an extra half hour

114
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:05,809
to get a ticket.

115
00:07:05,810 --> 00:07:10,109
They even claim that outside Victoria
Station, ticket touts can get ten quid

116
00:07:10,110 --> 00:07:11,069
a single to Brighton.

117
00:07:11,070 --> 00:07:14,389
But it's no good complaining to the
ticket clerk, of course, because as soon

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00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:16,130
he gets behind one of these windows...

119
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:20,940
claiming Dickie Bird, you see.

120
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:25,119
What about fares, I hear you ask? Well,
British Rail are going to replace the

121
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,890
existing fare structure with a very
unfair structure.

122
00:07:27,891 --> 00:07:32,399
So, what about the new cheap tickets?
Well, this one is a monster bestseller.

123
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:36,460
It's called the Runabout Rover Away Day
Senior Citizens Winter Break Special.

124
00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:41,119
If you're a one -armed old -age
pensioner with a bicycling dog

125
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,950
between Bodmin and Arbroath, you'll get
it for nothing.

126
00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:47,930
We'll keep on with our old favourites,
of course.

127
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,700
The Scotch Way Day, you see, we have.

128
00:07:51,701 --> 00:07:53,219
Is that one?

129
00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:57,039
Or we have, of course, this one here for
divorcing couples, the Go Away and Stay

130
00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:58,090
Away Day.

131
00:07:58,091 --> 00:08:01,299
And, of course, the mother -in -law
special day return.

132
00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:04,250
The train doesn't stop and you wave to
her out of the window.

133
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:07,959
That's it. And, of course, then we have
a couple of naughty ones.

134
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:12,459
We have tired businessmen needing a
weekend with their secretary. We have

135
00:08:12,460 --> 00:08:14,260
Wife Doesn't Understand Me weekend.

136
00:08:15,310 --> 00:08:19,229
Of course, all we have for the otherwise
inclined is a nippy day return down to

137
00:08:19,230 --> 00:08:21,110
Portsmouth called Hello Sailor. Yes.

138
00:08:22,190 --> 00:08:25,050
British Rail intend to maintain their
standards.

139
00:08:25,390 --> 00:08:26,590
But now for the good news.

140
00:08:28,390 --> 00:08:32,650
Yes, after a hundred years of research,
we have perfected the robot porter.

141
00:08:32,890 --> 00:08:35,720
Now let's try... Let's have a look at
him. There he is, you see.

142
00:08:36,110 --> 00:08:38,090
Now let's try asking him a question.

143
00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:41,850
I say, my man, when is the next train to
Slough?

144
00:08:49,841 --> 00:08:51,929
ask me, mate.

145
00:08:51,930 --> 00:08:52,980
There we are, you see.

146
00:08:54,070 --> 00:08:56,900
Every bit as good as the real thing.
Let's test it further.

147
00:08:57,010 --> 00:09:01,810
I say, my good man, I wonder if you
could carry this small suitcase for me.

148
00:09:04,370 --> 00:09:09,190
But it doesn't end there.

149
00:09:09,690 --> 00:09:15,989
Here is a good word for commuters, scum.
But for those bona fide travellers who

150
00:09:15,990 --> 00:09:19,410
hearken after a good old days of steam,
we have developed this.

151
00:09:19,411 --> 00:09:22,939
Every 20 minutes, the guard will come
into your compartment and blow soot and

152
00:09:22,940 --> 00:09:23,990
smuts into your eye.

153
00:09:24,180 --> 00:09:25,230
Like that.

154
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:27,810
There it is.

155
00:09:28,060 --> 00:09:32,559
Now, you do your bit, and we'll do our
bit, and we'll try to lose 100 million

156
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,120
pounds of your money every year.

157
00:09:34,121 --> 00:09:37,939
Do stop complaining, don't pull the
communication cord while the train is

158
00:09:37,940 --> 00:09:42,519
standing in the station, and simply do
what you're told whenever you see this

159
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:43,800
sign. There we are.

160
00:13:36,771 --> 00:13:44,419
Yes, well, the fact is I never bother to
wear any nowadays, you know, when I sit

161
00:13:44,420 --> 00:13:45,470
in the house.

162
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,590
I don't leave mine off near as George's
around.

163
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:49,970
Why not?

164
00:13:50,020 --> 00:13:51,880
Afraid he might tread on your bunion?

165
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:56,080
No, he's got this thing about bare feet,
you know.

166
00:13:57,100 --> 00:13:59,180
Odour. What, odour cologne, you mean?

167
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:04,399
Yes. No, no. Well, yes. Yes, he does
like odour cologne on feet. Oh, does he?

168
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:05,319
That's funny.

169
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,400
Sid likes tomato ketchup on tongue.

170
00:14:07,401 --> 00:14:12,269
I often dabble in it. It'd be on my ears
for special occasions, you know. What,

171
00:14:12,270 --> 00:14:13,320
tomato sauce?

172
00:14:13,530 --> 00:14:15,130
No, dear, old cologne.

173
00:14:15,131 --> 00:14:16,249
Oh, yeah?

174
00:14:16,250 --> 00:14:18,589
It's meant to make you sort of
energetic, you know.

175
00:14:18,590 --> 00:14:20,450
Or your partner, at least, energetic.

176
00:14:21,070 --> 00:14:24,950
I'm worried about Sid's energy, you
know. Didn't know he had any, dear. No,

177
00:14:25,050 --> 00:14:26,100
that's the trouble.

178
00:14:26,310 --> 00:14:29,140
Do you know he hasn't got enough to get
up in the morning?

179
00:14:29,530 --> 00:14:33,829
What's that down to, then? Well, he says
it's a world shortage of energy. Yeah,

180
00:14:33,830 --> 00:14:35,880
really, isn't it? I mean, like his
shirt.

181
00:14:35,881 --> 00:14:38,759
What's that with his shirt? Well, that's
short as well.

182
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:41,680
They don't put no tails on them these
days, do they?

183
00:14:41,940 --> 00:14:45,130
I've had to sew a hanky across the
bottom to keep the draught out.

184
00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:49,360
There he was, too. Wouldn't do to have
him catch cold, would it? No.

185
00:14:49,660 --> 00:14:51,240
Or blow his nose on the bus.

186
00:14:51,241 --> 00:14:57,019
You know what you ought to do about his
energy problem, don't you? What? Shoot

187
00:14:57,020 --> 00:14:58,070
him.

188
00:14:58,140 --> 00:15:01,840
Shoot him? Shoot him at the doctor's,
dear. Get some professional advice.

189
00:15:02,260 --> 00:15:05,090
Oh, I've already done all that. Oh,
yeah, that's all done.

190
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:08,610
Yeah, he's put him on monkey glands,
love. Yeah, he's been completely...

191
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,580
Completely rejuvenated throughout.

192
00:15:10,581 --> 00:15:13,759
Monkey glands. And it didn't do work
then, did it? Well, I'll tell you one

193
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:16,050
thing. He never stops eating nuts and
bananas.

194
00:15:16,051 --> 00:15:19,939
Oh, look at the time. I must go and give
him his medicine now.

195
00:15:19,940 --> 00:15:22,179
Oh, yes. Where is he? Laying about up
the bedroom?

196
00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:23,920
No, he's swinging about up the tree.

197
00:15:38,410 --> 00:15:39,730
Still on the nuts, are you?

198
00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:42,310
Can't seem to give him up, George.

199
00:15:42,430 --> 00:15:45,950
Have you been up to the doctor, then?

200
00:15:45,951 --> 00:15:49,569
Yes, I went up to see him. He can't help
me, though. He says medical science

201
00:15:49,570 --> 00:15:50,950
hasn't caught up with me yet.

202
00:15:54,130 --> 00:15:56,960
Did he look at it at all? Oh, he had a
look at it, yeah, yeah.

203
00:15:57,170 --> 00:15:58,490
Prodded it about, you know.

204
00:15:59,670 --> 00:16:01,960
He even hit it with one of them little
hammers.

205
00:16:04,090 --> 00:16:07,130
No reaction at all? No, not a twitch,
no.

206
00:16:08,780 --> 00:16:10,620
He said if it was a car, he'd dump it.

207
00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:18,179
So it looks like I'm stuck with me old
knee after all it... Of course, knees

208
00:16:18,180 --> 00:16:20,399
have run in your family for years,
haven't they?

209
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:21,480
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

210
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:24,920
Lazy cartridges, you know, lethargic
kneecaps.

211
00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:28,610
Yeah, they've been a curse on my family
since time immemorial now.

212
00:16:28,611 --> 00:16:33,339
Which doctor do you see, then? Do you
see the, what, the Indian one you see? I

213
00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:36,060
don't know which one it was. His name
was Ram Jam Butney.

214
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,520
No, I think he's the Irishman.

215
00:16:40,620 --> 00:16:46,040
The Indian fella's the other one. He
come all the way from Calcutta. Oh,

216
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:48,750
No good phoning him in an emergency,
then, is it?

217
00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:57,690
I was nearly in India myself, you know,
in the army, you know that? Oh, yeah?

218
00:16:57,691 --> 00:16:58,999
What stopped you there?

219
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,900
Well, I had these feet.

220
00:17:01,140 --> 00:17:02,190
Oh, yeah.

221
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,130
Well, I still have, as a matter of fact.
Have you? Yeah.

222
00:17:06,131 --> 00:17:09,289
They're down there somewhere, not far
away, but they're down there.

223
00:17:09,290 --> 00:17:12,750
And I was excused boots, you know, light
duties.

224
00:17:13,290 --> 00:17:14,550
Of course, I was in the war.

225
00:17:15,010 --> 00:17:16,150
Well, so was I in the war.

226
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,419
I don't remember you.

227
00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:22,409
Well, to be fair, there were quite a lot
of us, weren't there, eh? Yeah, I don't

228
00:17:22,410 --> 00:17:26,088
remember your impression you made on the
war effort, like. Well, I said I was

229
00:17:26,089 --> 00:17:31,209
excused boots, wasn't I? I mean, you can
hardly liberate Rome in plimsolls, can

230
00:17:31,210 --> 00:17:32,260
you?

231
00:17:33,710 --> 00:17:37,590
I mean, as soon as I received my call
-up papers, I volunteered, mate. Yeah,

232
00:17:39,130 --> 00:17:41,390
I did. I volunteered for the guards.

233
00:17:42,670 --> 00:17:43,720
Guards?

234
00:17:44,030 --> 00:17:45,770
What, British Railways, you mean?

235
00:17:45,771 --> 00:17:51,809
No, the real guards, yeah, guards. Well,
Grenadier guards, what, them great big

236
00:17:51,810 --> 00:17:53,710
tall strapping blokes? Right, yeah.

237
00:17:54,190 --> 00:17:57,440
I would have been in the guards and all,
had it not been for my eyes.

238
00:17:58,051 --> 00:18:01,289
What was the matter with your eyes?

239
00:18:01,290 --> 00:18:02,340
Too near the ground.

240
00:18:08,891 --> 00:18:14,539
I didn't teach her so much during the
war. You know why? Because you were in

241
00:18:14,540 --> 00:18:17,759
Navy, weren't you? I was in the Army.
Our leaves only coincided once, didn't

242
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:20,279
That night we met Lily Neade, didn't we?
Yeah, yeah.

243
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:24,259
See? That was the fact of it. I remember
that because I was dressed in macaque

244
00:18:24,260 --> 00:18:25,760
and you were done up as a sailor.

245
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:28,660
I wasn't done up as a sailor. I was a
sailor.

246
00:18:29,540 --> 00:18:33,639
Never forget that dancing ballum all the
girls were partying, dresses on. Ed and

247
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,479
Lil really stood out, didn't they? Yeah,
that's because they were the only two

248
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,160
wearing gas masks, weren't they?

249
00:18:38,161 --> 00:18:44,329
I think the war was responsible for my
knee, you know. It has got a lot to

250
00:18:44,330 --> 00:18:47,969
answer for you when you think about it,
anyway. All my sorties into unoccupied

251
00:18:47,970 --> 00:18:50,809
Europe. What are you talking about? You
were stationed at the Navy Depot in the

252
00:18:50,810 --> 00:18:51,849
Fulham Road.

253
00:18:51,850 --> 00:18:56,529
You didn't believe that, did you? Half
naive. That was just a ploy put out by

254
00:18:56,530 --> 00:18:57,580
naval intelligence.

255
00:18:57,581 --> 00:18:58,809
No. Yes.

256
00:18:58,810 --> 00:19:01,100
I was one of the cock -a -leek -a
-heroes, I was.

257
00:19:01,101 --> 00:19:05,489
You never said nothing. Well, of course
I didn't, because you'd have told Lil

258
00:19:05,490 --> 00:19:08,329
straight away, wouldn't you? Know what
she's like? Been all around Berlin

259
00:19:08,330 --> 00:19:09,380
a week, wouldn't it?

260
00:19:10,670 --> 00:19:14,869
I'll tell you something. I'll tell you
something. I used to know... I used to

261
00:19:14,870 --> 00:19:16,250
know the Unknown Warrior.

262
00:19:19,230 --> 00:19:24,249
I used to play cards with him. He was a
very good... He was a very good nap

263
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:27,369
player, he was. No. What was his name,
then? I can't tell you. It's an

264
00:19:27,370 --> 00:19:28,970
unofficial secret, isn't it?

265
00:19:29,250 --> 00:19:30,300
Oh, God.

266
00:19:30,330 --> 00:19:34,529
Well... All this new information, it's
all coming to life. All these times you

267
00:19:34,530 --> 00:19:38,309
went missing, people said you were
deserted. You were really, in fact, on a

268
00:19:38,310 --> 00:19:42,029
dangerous mission all the time. Yeah, I
suppose I was. But to add authenticity

269
00:19:42,030 --> 00:19:47,189
to it, you see, they used to send
military police round to my house

270
00:19:47,190 --> 00:19:49,960
them to look for me, talking to Eden,
all that, you know.

271
00:19:49,970 --> 00:19:52,200
American military police, I remember
that.

272
00:19:53,490 --> 00:19:54,540
Americans?

273
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:57,440
American soldiers, sailors, all that,
yeah. Were they?

274
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:02,510
Oh, well, it must have been combined
operation, mustn't it?

275
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,310
Oh, loads of Americans, I remember that,
yeah.

276
00:20:05,460 --> 00:20:07,020
Used to call your arse the Alamo.

277
00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:11,710
Need a detection drawer and a loft full
of bubble gum.

278
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:15,839
Because he was still calling me buddy on
coronation night. I must have a word

279
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:16,839
with him.

280
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,159
Still, not half a cover -up. What an
excellent cover -up. I mean, really had

281
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:21,300
fooled, you know that?

282
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:25,520
I mean, then all that rumour about you
committing suicide, that was all false,

283
00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:26,590
then, was it?

284
00:20:26,780 --> 00:20:28,160
Well, of course it was false.

285
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,050
I never thought that.

286
00:20:31,051 --> 00:20:32,739
Because,

287
00:20:32,740 --> 00:20:36,579
you see, when I was on manoeuvres in
Basingstoke, I had a letter saying that

288
00:20:36,580 --> 00:20:40,220
during the blitz, you were so scared,
you shot yourself.

289
00:20:43,580 --> 00:20:46,290
No, no, that wasn't right. That was a
mistake, that was.

290
00:20:46,291 --> 00:20:49,859
Here, I must go home and talk to her.
Here. I'll see you later. Well, listen,

291
00:20:49,860 --> 00:20:53,050
wait a minute. Why would she say you
shot yourself if you didn't?

292
00:20:53,260 --> 00:20:55,140
She didn't say I shot myself.

293
00:21:00,330 --> 00:21:01,380
right and she's gone.

294
00:21:13,710 --> 00:21:16,000
Send the next one in, will you, Miss
Rennick?

295
00:21:19,650 --> 00:21:20,700
Mr.

296
00:21:20,790 --> 00:21:22,730
Tanchor? Yes, that's right. Come in.

297
00:21:22,731 --> 00:21:23,729
Come in?

298
00:21:23,730 --> 00:21:25,170
What? Into your office?

299
00:21:25,430 --> 00:21:26,690
Yes, of course, yes. Right.

300
00:21:32,990 --> 00:21:34,910
I'm sorry, I am standing on your carpet.

301
00:21:35,250 --> 00:21:37,430
I need to meet you. No, come back here.

302
00:21:38,610 --> 00:21:39,660
Mr.

303
00:21:39,990 --> 00:21:41,550
Toadie, isn't it? That's right.

304
00:21:41,551 --> 00:21:47,049
Come about a job, have you? Oh, yes,
sir. How observant of you. That's right,

305
00:21:47,050 --> 00:21:49,929
sir. Well, do sit down, will you? No,
I'd rather not, if you don't mind. I'd

306
00:21:49,930 --> 00:21:52,220
just stand here and grovel, if you don't
mind.

307
00:21:52,221 --> 00:21:55,029
All right, whatever makes you
comfortable.

308
00:21:55,030 --> 00:21:58,389
Cigar? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I should have
thought of that whenever I came in. Of

309
00:21:58,390 --> 00:21:59,890
course, have one, by all means.

310
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:06,439
to ask you a few questions, Mr. Tony.
First of all, what do you think of my

311
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:10,739
shoes? Oh, they're absolutely
magnificent. I only hope that one day I

312
00:22:10,740 --> 00:22:12,000
to a pair of such grandeur.

313
00:22:12,001 --> 00:22:15,499
I haven't seen them yet, Tony. They're
under the desk. Oh, these shoes.

314
00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:18,510
Oh, they are wonderful, sir. They are
really, oh, wonderful.

315
00:22:19,220 --> 00:22:21,930
Oh, they taste absolutely delicious.
They really are.

316
00:22:23,140 --> 00:22:25,820
You can get up now. Have you got any
references, Tony?

317
00:22:26,020 --> 00:22:29,570
Well, I have this from my previous, my
previous employee. What's this?

318
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:30,690
It's an autograph.

319
00:22:31,540 --> 00:22:34,510
Do you write? Toadie, my favourite
bootlicker. I see.

320
00:22:34,511 --> 00:22:37,569
You've always been a bit of a
bootlicker, have you? I like to think

321
00:22:37,570 --> 00:22:38,589
yes.

322
00:22:38,590 --> 00:22:41,869
Would you mind crawling round on the
floor for a few moments? Oh, wonderful.

323
00:22:41,870 --> 00:22:44,730
Tell me about your education.

324
00:22:44,731 --> 00:22:48,169
Well, sir, not much of an education. I
mean, unless you can't Cambridge, I

325
00:22:48,170 --> 00:22:49,370
I've just... Oh, Cambridge.

326
00:22:49,371 --> 00:22:52,889
You went to Cambridge, did you? Yes. I
went to Birmingham Polytechnic myself.

327
00:22:52,890 --> 00:22:54,490
Oh, lucky you. Oh, dear.

328
00:22:54,870 --> 00:22:57,340
Oh, how I wanted to go to Birmingham
Polytechnic.

329
00:22:58,070 --> 00:23:00,310
Oh, I wanted a place there.

330
00:23:02,020 --> 00:23:03,400
Measley Old King's College.

331
00:23:03,401 --> 00:23:08,459
Well, now, I take it you know what the
post is, do you tell me? Yes, sir, I do,

332
00:23:08,460 --> 00:23:12,439
yes, I do. Yes, it's company, yes, ma
'am. Yes, sir, yes, yes. Now, you look

333
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:16,119
me in the most sycophantic, snivelling,
weak -kneed sort of little swine that's

334
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:17,170
ever come to me.

335
00:23:17,580 --> 00:23:21,320
I take it, I take it that your heart is
set on it, is it? Yes, it is, indeed,

336
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,950
sir. Good. Well, it's my great pleasure
to tell you that you've failed. Oh.

337
00:23:24,951 --> 00:23:26,899
That's absolutely terrific.

338
00:23:26,900 --> 00:23:31,219
Failed? Yes, failed, you pimply little
smart aleck, because I'm absolutely

339
00:23:31,220 --> 00:23:33,699
of people saying yes to me all the time.
Do you understand?

340
00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:37,219
Yes, sir. There you are, you see. Yes,
yes, yes, all the time. If I hear one

341
00:23:37,220 --> 00:23:42,219
more person saying yes to me once more,
I shall go stark staring, raving mad. Do

342
00:23:42,220 --> 00:23:42,759
you understand?

343
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:43,810
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

344
00:23:43,860 --> 00:23:46,580
Miss Renwick, show Mr. Tony out, please.

345
00:23:47,060 --> 00:23:51,039
Yes, sir. There you are, you see. She
says yes to me. Even she says yes to me

346
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:52,090
all the time.

347
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:09,399
Instead of a joke, I'd like to relate a
rather amusing little incident that

348
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,080
happened to me a couple of days ago.

349
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:15,779
In fact, I was telling it to the other
members of the cast here just before we

350
00:24:15,780 --> 00:24:18,000
came on and laughed well.

351
00:24:18,620 --> 00:24:19,740
What if they didn't?

352
00:24:20,780 --> 00:24:25,589
I mean, it was understandable, really,
because to be honest... Most of us here

353
00:24:25,590 --> 00:24:28,949
are a little bit upset at the moment
over a nasty accident that took place

354
00:24:28,950 --> 00:24:31,729
afternoon in the next studio. It was
during a rehearsal of one of those big

355
00:24:31,730 --> 00:24:32,669
variety shows.

356
00:24:32,670 --> 00:24:36,829
The acrobat had just put on a pair of
his tights, you know, and was doing a

357
00:24:36,830 --> 00:24:38,830
rather novel balancing act.

358
00:24:39,030 --> 00:24:44,149
And he was straddling a couple of high
chairs, wondering whether or not to try

359
00:24:44,150 --> 00:24:48,250
and do the splits, when suddenly both
chairs collapsed underneath him.

360
00:24:48,770 --> 00:24:50,450
And he was torn between two stools.

361
00:24:52,390 --> 00:24:53,440
Stay tragic.

362
00:24:53,610 --> 00:24:57,280
Especially for his wife, you know, who's
now trying to pick up the pieces.

363
00:24:57,281 --> 00:25:02,409
It's symptomatic in a way of how
everything is falling into disrepair at

364
00:25:02,410 --> 00:25:05,829
BBC. This seat, for example, I have to
sit on, getting more uncomfortable every

365
00:25:05,830 --> 00:25:08,960
week. I told the producer this morning,
I said, I've had enough.

366
00:25:09,270 --> 00:25:11,920
I said, there's an awkward little lump
in this chair.

367
00:25:11,950 --> 00:25:14,350
He said, don't I know it?

368
00:25:14,351 --> 00:25:18,229
I said, now, look, there's no need for
wit.

369
00:25:18,230 --> 00:25:19,850
That's not like you at all, I said.

370
00:25:20,490 --> 00:25:23,980
The solution is perfectly simple. I
said, the cushion needs stuffing.

371
00:25:24,650 --> 00:25:26,890
And his reply is in the hands of my
solicitor.

372
00:25:26,891 --> 00:25:31,709
However, I shouldn't really go on about
our internal problems. It was a bit

373
00:25:31,710 --> 00:25:34,989
undiplomatic of me, because tonight,
being the last series, I'm pleased to

374
00:25:34,990 --> 00:25:38,370
we have got the controller of BBC One in
the audience.

375
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,790
Come along for the free drinks
afterwards, I suppose.

376
00:25:41,820 --> 00:25:46,839
I'm not going to tell you where the
controller is sitting. I won't mention

377
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:53,759
balding head or the smell of the ready
-rubbed condor because she's

378
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:55,140
awfully sensitive about it.

379
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,620
No, that is not true.

380
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:04,339
That was just a bit of comedy I threw
in. The controller of BBC One is, in

381
00:26:04,340 --> 00:26:06,870
a highly distinguished and important
gentleman.

382
00:26:07,150 --> 00:26:08,410
Also, he keeps telling us.

383
00:26:08,411 --> 00:26:12,529
The reason I mustn't point him out is
because he is sitting with his secretary

384
00:26:12,530 --> 00:26:14,230
and she is a little shy.

385
00:26:14,710 --> 00:26:15,990
With coconuts to match.

386
00:26:19,430 --> 00:26:24,449
As a matter of fact, I've known our
controller for a long time now because

387
00:26:24,450 --> 00:26:28,829
was, when he was head of BBC of Comedy,
he was one of the first who put forward

388
00:26:28,830 --> 00:26:32,929
the idea of this show, The Two Ronnies,
starring Ronnie Barker and Norman

389
00:26:32,930 --> 00:26:33,980
Wisdom.

390
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:40,790
Everyone could see it wasn't quite
right, so they held a very big meeting.

391
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:43,560
It wasn't far off, mind you.

392
00:26:44,020 --> 00:26:48,319
But they held a very big meeting, and
the top comedy producers, you know, the

393
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,120
cream of the BBC plus one or two old
yoghurts.

394
00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:57,399
And eventually my name came up as a
replacement. The two Ronnies starring

395
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:58,720
Corbett and Norman Wisdom.

396
00:26:58,721 --> 00:27:03,509
It was all, to be honest, it was very
flattering because at the time I was

397
00:27:03,510 --> 00:27:07,180
completely unknown and I didn't even
recognise my own face in the mirror.

398
00:27:07,510 --> 00:27:11,989
Work was thin on the ground. I remember
around that time I was trying to earn a

399
00:27:11,990 --> 00:27:14,530
crust as a small -time male stripper.

400
00:27:15,230 --> 00:27:21,030
I used to do very cheap hen parties, you
know.

401
00:27:22,770 --> 00:27:24,390
You've been at one or two, I think.

402
00:27:25,010 --> 00:27:29,219
And after they'd had all the food and
drink... The climax of the evening, I

403
00:27:29,220 --> 00:27:30,600
to leap out of a sausage roll.

404
00:27:33,620 --> 00:27:37,000
Then slowly strip down to my thermal
underwear.

405
00:27:37,980 --> 00:27:39,420
It's quite erotic, actually.

406
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:42,970
A lot of women used to jump up onto the
stage and feel my muscles.

407
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:46,130
The rest used to jump up and feel my
pulse.

408
00:27:46,131 --> 00:27:50,939
That is really, by the way, and has
nothing to do with the incident I set

409
00:27:50,940 --> 00:27:54,139
tell you about, which occurred the other
night when I'd gone along to our local

410
00:27:54,140 --> 00:27:55,580
Jewish pub.

411
00:27:56,010 --> 00:27:57,060
The kosher horses.

412
00:28:00,750 --> 00:28:07,009
Now, I'd actually gone along more for
business than pleasure because I was

413
00:28:07,010 --> 00:28:08,710
attending a sort of union meeting.

414
00:28:08,970 --> 00:28:13,749
It was the monthly meeting of the Surrey
branch of the Amalgamated Union of Pint

415
00:28:13,750 --> 00:28:14,800
-Sized Comedians.

416
00:28:15,690 --> 00:28:16,870
Allied titches.

417
00:28:17,930 --> 00:28:22,549
All the pint -sized comedians were
present. Arthur Askey, Charlie Drake,

418
00:28:22,550 --> 00:28:23,690
Steele. All of them.

419
00:28:23,691 --> 00:28:29,019
When suddenly, in the middle of the
meeting, I noticed right at the other

420
00:28:29,020 --> 00:28:31,970
the bar, a fellow walked into the pub
carrying a crocodile.

421
00:28:31,971 --> 00:28:34,799
As I watched, he went up to the bar. He
said, excuse me, but do you serve

422
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:36,240
Scotsmen in this hostelry?

423
00:28:36,241 --> 00:28:39,859
The barman said, certainly. He said,
well, you give me a pint of beer and two

424
00:28:39,860 --> 00:28:41,240
Scotsmen for the crocodile.

425
00:28:41,241 --> 00:28:47,599
The barman, not wanting to cause a
scene, pulled a pint and handed over two

426
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:50,339
Scotsmen who were sitting in the corner,
whereupon the crocodile promptly ate

427
00:28:50,340 --> 00:28:51,390
them up.

428
00:28:51,620 --> 00:28:52,780
Fifty minutes went by.

429
00:28:52,781 --> 00:28:55,739
The chap came up and ordered again. He
said, a pint of beer and two Scotsmen

430
00:28:55,740 --> 00:28:56,579
the crocodile.

431
00:28:56,580 --> 00:28:59,759
Once again, the barman gave him the beer
and called over two more Scotsmen who

432
00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:03,070
were in the other bar, wringing out
their beer mats into the glass.

433
00:29:03,071 --> 00:29:07,079
And again, the crocodile just ate them
up. Well, this went on for another hour

434
00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:09,839
or so until finally the chap came back
again. He said, same again, a pint of

435
00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:12,339
beer and two Scotsmen for the crocodile.
The barman said, I'm sorry, we'll clean

436
00:29:12,340 --> 00:29:13,339
out of Scotsmen.

437
00:29:13,340 --> 00:29:14,879
We've got none left. We've eaten them
all.

438
00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:18,619
And to my horror, his eyes travelled up
my bar to the table where my party was

439
00:29:18,620 --> 00:29:21,599
sitting. He said, I'll tell you what,
though. He said, we haven't got any

440
00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:25,519
Scotsmen. He said, but do you think he'd
fancy Ronnie Corbett, Arthur Arsky and

441
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:26,299
Charlie Drake?

442
00:29:26,300 --> 00:29:29,279
The chap said, shh, for God's sake,
whatever you do, don't start him on the

443
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:30,330
shorts.

444
00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:59,019
And if you're fond of fun and beer, then
come on here, get in the gear, my

445
00:29:59,020 --> 00:30:04,919
lads. Come and join the army, ever so,
ever so spick and span. In the British

446
00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:07,240
Army, a man can be a man.

447
00:30:07,740 --> 00:30:10,400
Say, if you want a life that's grand,

448
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:15,460
the He -Man Brands are in demand, my
lads.

449
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:19,900
The sergeant majors mean some brand,
they understand.

450
00:30:21,230 --> 00:30:23,070
They hold your hand, my lad.

451
00:30:23,470 --> 00:30:27,250
Come and join the army. Gullies, jolly
and alderfoot.

452
00:30:27,550 --> 00:30:29,330
In the British army.

453
00:30:29,550 --> 00:30:30,950
Catterick's going to pot.

454
00:30:31,150 --> 00:30:33,950
In the army.

455
00:30:34,170 --> 00:30:35,220
Catering Corps.

456
00:30:35,370 --> 00:30:37,090
The Catering Corps.

457
00:30:37,430 --> 00:30:38,770
Knows what it's for.

458
00:30:39,310 --> 00:30:42,750
We're marching to Zan in Petit Fort.

459
00:30:43,250 --> 00:30:45,190
Let's jump up some fairy cakes.

460
00:31:02,730 --> 00:31:08,069
You'll find lots of men like to drill
with a friend when they're home on the

461
00:31:08,070 --> 00:31:09,790
range with a rifle.

462
00:31:10,150 --> 00:31:16,809
But here in the Corps, we get thrills by
the score, doing things with a gun and

463
00:31:16,810 --> 00:31:18,310
a trifle.

464
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:24,760
And the book that we cook by was wrote
by the great Mrs.

465
00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:31,919
Beaton. But here in the mess, they
suggest our address should be changed to

466
00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:33,020
all or nothing.

467
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:39,659
Don't just come in platoons for our
pinky -double prunes and brigades for

468
00:31:39,660 --> 00:31:43,820
queue when it's curry vindaloo. Off they
march double quick.

469
00:31:44,140 --> 00:31:49,720
And it really goes to show that a good
British curry keeps the army on the go.

470
00:31:53,700 --> 00:31:56,640
Oh, we did the puppy on Saturday night.

471
00:31:56,860 --> 00:31:58,880
Terribly smart and terribly bright.

472
00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:03,599
Majors at the time of their life.
Especially with the brigadier's wife who

473
00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:05,400
getting quite amorous on champagne.

474
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:07,520
She likes a little bit now and again.

475
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:08,810
Married to rank.

476
00:32:08,940 --> 00:32:12,819
Built like a tank and remarkably sauce
-free plate. The head was firm and the

477
00:32:12,820 --> 00:32:17,539
kettle re -wielded his furs. Marked
distinctly his and hers. Lady Felicity

478
00:32:17,540 --> 00:32:18,590
earning applause.

479
00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:20,740
Winning a raffle and losing her drawers.

480
00:32:20,940 --> 00:32:22,380
And the tanker was hungry.

481
00:32:22,860 --> 00:32:25,020
Sat on a fork and dropped the spoon.

482
00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:29,379
Into the large stake on the tars of the
brigadier's wife and son. They were

483
00:32:29,380 --> 00:32:35,899
having a great big slap -bang huge
success. The officers there, they got

484
00:32:35,900 --> 00:32:37,180
hell of a mess.

485
00:32:37,610 --> 00:32:41,970
And the colonel left the party in a
small black dress.

486
00:32:42,290 --> 00:32:45,630
What a terribly, terribly, terribly,
terribly gay son.

487
00:32:47,890 --> 00:32:54,849
Now I'm a popular pastry cook. My
puddings are ever so

488
00:32:54,850 --> 00:32:59,070
light. There's one little dish that
girls all wish for every Saturday night.

489
00:32:59,270 --> 00:33:01,810
It's roly -poly, roly -poly.

490
00:33:03,950 --> 00:33:06,870
It's Roly -Poly, Roly -Poly, just a
little bit more.

491
00:33:07,130 --> 00:33:10,750
A sailor went sailing around the world
and came back to the coast.

492
00:33:11,010 --> 00:33:14,650
As he got off the yacht, I asked him
what it was he missed the most.

493
00:33:14,930 --> 00:33:17,829
It's Roly -Poly, Roly -Poly, he'd been

494
00:33:17,830 --> 00:33:22,450
anchoring for.

495
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:38,470
Auntie Nellie was fighting fit when she
was a hundred and three.

496
00:33:38,620 --> 00:33:42,220
A man from the telly, he asked old
Nellie, said, what's she give to tea?

497
00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:46,420
It's roly -poly, roly -poly, that's a
day for sure.

498
00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:50,320
I'll roly -poly, roly -poly, till I'm a
hundred and four.

499
00:33:54,380 --> 00:33:58,260
We don't go out and manoeuvre as much, I
thought she's rather dire.

500
00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:02,280
But her meringues have a lovely touch
that cuddles all at once.

501
00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:08,619
Blows his trumpet, we'll ignore it, he
can lump it. We'll stay home and toss

502
00:34:08,620 --> 00:34:10,540
trumpets round the kitchen fire.

503
00:34:10,900 --> 00:34:14,630
There's lots of praise for our can of
paste, they're what the gourmet seek.

504
00:34:14,739 --> 00:34:18,440
And people say that our poor patty's got
flavour, it's quite unique.

505
00:34:19,380 --> 00:34:23,939
Panty crad, it starts to waver, he gone
wrong, he says the flavour drives him

506
00:34:23,940 --> 00:34:26,540
mad. The kitchen cat's been missing for
a week.

507
00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:30,760
Blows tea in the water on the spot, we
bone it up, we bounce.

508
00:34:32,010 --> 00:34:34,909
brew called New and True. The soldiers
call it Nats.

509
00:34:35,250 --> 00:34:41,109
In the army, in the army, there's
nothing right about it. It won't affect

510
00:34:41,110 --> 00:34:42,830
all, we're on the country board.

511
00:34:43,190 --> 00:34:48,129
It's had a few ships, old navy ships,
and in the R .E .F. They're making the

512
00:34:48,130 --> 00:34:51,010
most of beans on toast till jet lag
makes them deaf.

513
00:34:51,389 --> 00:34:56,888
In the navy, in the navy, they've got
cockles in the gravy, but it don't

514
00:34:56,889 --> 00:35:02,429
us, for we're in the country court.
We're rather short of privates in the

515
00:35:02,430 --> 00:35:09,409
officers will have to wrap it. The
colonel says we've got to roast

516
00:35:09,410 --> 00:35:11,310
one chicken more.

517
00:35:11,770 --> 00:35:14,430
I'll go and tell the brigadier to start.

518
00:35:21,710 --> 00:35:28,689
You'll never get a crafty carver. I've
really got

519
00:35:28,690 --> 00:35:31,290
to bake a cake before light.

520
00:35:31,630 --> 00:35:35,250
out. I think I'll try a tart when I've
had supper.

521
00:35:40,490 --> 00:35:43,390
We've got, what have we got, what have
we got?

522
00:35:43,710 --> 00:35:47,390
Ristles. What have we got, what have we
got?

523
00:35:48,110 --> 00:35:55,050
Ristles. We get fat and run, he's got
half a pound of ristles already now.

524
00:35:55,710 --> 00:36:01,090
So when they boo our Irish beer, we'll
say you too, we've made a...

525
00:36:01,550 --> 00:36:03,210
bangles and mash. It's true.

526
00:36:04,070 --> 00:36:09,669
And so that's the reason when you ask us
what's upon the menu, we say we sold

527
00:36:09,670 --> 00:36:11,430
and the best of luck to you.

528
00:36:41,720 --> 00:36:45,699
Well, that's all we have time for in
this series, but before we leave you a

529
00:36:45,700 --> 00:36:50,559
items of late news, Miss Raquel Welsh,
in an American TV interview today,

530
00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:54,339
about the advantages she'd had in her
acting career. She admitted that her

531
00:36:54,340 --> 00:36:55,540
had opened doors for him.

532
00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:05,099
Latest bulletins say that the porter who
sat on a red -hot cinder at Kings Cross

533
00:37:05,100 --> 00:37:09,119
Station is making good progress. He was
right on time as he steamed through

534
00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:10,170
Newcastle.

535
00:37:11,421 --> 00:37:18,749
Happy news tonight from Lord George
Davidson Circus. The tattooed lady is

536
00:37:18,750 --> 00:37:22,600
pregnant, and both she and her husband,
the India Rubber Man, are very happy.

537
00:37:22,710 --> 00:37:26,140
They don't mind if it's a boy or a girl
as long as it fits into the canon.

538
00:37:28,790 --> 00:37:34,849
Here's some late football news. The St.
John's Ambulance 11 and Hypochondriacs

539
00:37:34,850 --> 00:37:39,470
United game have just gone into the
265th minute of injury time.

540
00:37:39,821 --> 00:37:46,209
And popping through your letterbox
tomorrow morning will be a little

541
00:37:46,210 --> 00:37:50,170
from the post office promising you a
much faster delivery service in 1976.

542
00:37:59,350 --> 00:38:04,569
Finally, there was an ugly moment today
at the Kilburn Biograph Cinema when

543
00:38:04,570 --> 00:38:09,109
Seamus Killick applied for the job of
projectionist. He was asked to fill in a

544
00:38:09,110 --> 00:38:12,120
questionnaire, so he went outside and
punched the doorman.

545
00:38:16,831 --> 00:38:24,359
Next series in a new feature entitled
The Greatest Shock of My Life, we shall

546
00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:27,759
hearing from the one -legged Scotsman in
a kilt about the time he was standing

547
00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:29,620
in the lampshade department at heels.

548
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:36,190
And an assistant came round putting in
light bulbs.

549
00:38:36,191 --> 00:38:41,769
Until then, it's goodnight from me. It's
goodnight from him. Goodnight.

550
00:38:41,770 --> 00:38:46,320
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